A week without you

Spending a week without the internet and watching Oprah show off her medical/health/interior designer guru surely made me lose my mind just a little bit.

Junk Mail Goldmine

Aloha, my friend!

I can't promise to solve all your problems, but I can promise you won'thave to face them alone...I am easy going with a great sense of humor. I love to have fun. I like going tothe movies or just curling up to the T.V. with that special man. I like goingout to dinner or any sports event. I am confident and energetic. I am a straightforward person. I don't like playing games. My Man…. Let me think… He must beconfident, easy going, respectful, gentle but a little aggressive, affectionateand just a man that can treat a good woman like the queen that I am. I want a man that is interested in getting to know me on many levels. He must be able to handleme at my worst but if he can't handle me at my worst he sure as hell doesn't deserve my best. Find me http://youareinsidemyheart.net/roses/

Goodbye
Anastasia V

_______________________________________



Dear Anastasia V,

I'm not a man but I am only willing to give us a shot if Larry Emdur is offering me anything above $15,000.

My sense of humour is..different. Some say you might have to have a thick skin and no gag reflex to ever invest in a friendship or relationship with me. I'm sure you're easy going but after a week with me you'll retract your statement. You'll also find yourself on another chair and not "curling" up to me because you fear the damage I could do to your already weak sanity.
You can take yourself to those dinners and sports events because i'll be at your place, raiding your home, watching T.V and not flushing your toilet. I'm happy to let you tell people that i'm "in the office" or "bed bound".

You've also mentioned that you want someone a little aggressive. This is perfect. I can bring your self esteem down so fast you'll see your heart drop out of your vagina.

Oh and I am little put off that you mentioned that you're a queen. Unless this was a cry from a gay guy who wanted a new fag hag then I would understand completely. You're just a lonely woman who spends her time babysitting nephews and nieces and on Saturdays, cats. Week 2 comes around and you're starting to feel like Vanilla Ice's wife and start wondering if Ike Turner has possessed my body. Would you feel like a queen now?

I'm also not interested the many levels that you possess. I've got a guinea pig to take care of. Just give me an express tour of your so called deep and easy going soul or better yet write me a report with lots of subheadings and wacky fonts.

That's all

http://www.youprobablyhave3lavalifeaccounts.com/


P.S Don't fucking aloha me.

Let's keep our distance, you probably smell like cat urine and Avon perfume,

Kristine H

I'm a woman, tolerate my complaints

My blood must be the nectar of insects. Take it to another room, theres tobacco and unemployment in that blood.



Courage Wolf always has the right idea. Biting back those insects isn't going to be easy nor clean but I could probably get back a pint of my blood back.

Sleep paralysis

Sucks.

Something that happens to me every few weeks. Happend last night and I was almost face down on my pillow and if you know sleep paralysis, this is not good. I never knew what it was and thought I was the only one until recently coming across an article on Wikipedia.
I will listen to Katy Perry's whole album than endure several minutes of paralysis.

The entire Katy Perry collection.

Monster Children

It's the 15th of January 2009 and i'm already tired of this year. Bring back 2006 where I was kind of invincible. Where I saw everyone and anyone and we were all in the same boat, worrying about the same crap, sleeping on the same sofa and drinking and smoking the cheapest shit you could ever imagine.

I had a whole block of writing with memories but I highlighted and deleted because I think i'll keep those to myself.

Anyway let's come back to 2009. It's definitely hotter and I think I want to avoid complaining about the weather because i've lived here on earth for almost 20 years and experienced this countless times and nothing's going to change by nonsense drivel about how shocking the heat is. I took a lot of pictures of my guinea pig, Banana and 34 pictures later, I realised that I should have dedicated that time to finding a job.

Oh and as irrelevant as this is (but you're on my blogspot where a majority of the posts are irrelevant, so don't you complain) Katy Perry is not my cup of tea. The world could do without her lyrics and that horror that escapes those lungs which, to me, sounds like she's having the biggest shit of her life and she's wishing she had a more fibrous diet. It's even more annoying that she fell into a cake during a performance, who does that besides Terry Hatcher in Desperate Housewives? Fucking shitwrecking whirlwind with fake eyelashes that make me have sympathy eye itches.

It's art or vulgarity. Depends on where you live in the world.

Give me face paints, expect the worst.

Femotions

It's alright to overreact and throw a fit because you can't find a jar of peanut butter. Your life is over just as you stated while slumping on the kitchen floor. Nothing is worse than this. Oh sick kids and people in Africa are having it worse? That's not fair, you're allowed you have your own problems too. You might give up and find a substitute, something different to show other people just the lengths you will go to in order to express your frustration and defeat. After every bite of your Nutella sandwich (which is really good but you sure as hell arent going to show it) you'll voice your opinion about how you'll never understand why everyone is against you and why they are purposely rearranging sandwich spreads. You'll then pick yourself up and sulk all the way to your room and listen to Joy Division and Sigur Ros.

2 hours later you find the peanut butter jar hiding behind the jar off coffee. After all the drama, you don't want to look stupid and have people pay you out, so the most logical thing to do in this case it to fucking hide it again.


To truly fuck yourself over graciously, the next morning you want the peanut butter and you've forgotten that hiding spot.




FUCK

Ohjesus

Hot married women like Denise. Likes hiking, walks through the neighbourhood...alone, choosing appropriate cat collars for different seasons, clubbing at 9:00pm, has a tramp stamp of a butterfly flying towards a sunset, watches Pretty Woman on rainy days as her husband goes to "business meetings" and disappears for a few weeks

oh and by the looks of that mug, about 3 years ago she was known as Denis.

Pictures will always show her/him from the shoulders up. Get it while you can boys, before it fades.

This would have been embarassing had I found out later on.

Banana is male. Stupid fucking man made me look like a fool for three days.

After aimlessly browsing through photos of guinea pigs I came across "sexing" photos and flipped Banana on his back and well, there it was. I could hear a slow single clap in my mind, applauding my studpidity. Then again, I trusted the asshole with the 150 guinea pigs and assumed that his word was solid. I kind of prepared myself for this by giving the pig a gender neutral name. Although, Banana isn't exactly a name for small creatures.

I was going to edit my last entry but I thought that it should be left alone for my own amusement when I want to back track and read my bullshit drivel.

Banana Jones of White Cage Manor

This is Banana, a special Guinea Pig who will be in charge of all of my affairs. She works efficiently and effectively and i'm sure that when i'm not around she is secretly talking to other creatures and planning adventures. This of course is when she is off duty. She enjoys running over her food, burrowing through her bedding and snacking on parsley and pellets.

I'm doing everything in my power to keep this piglet well fed and given lots of space to scurry around. If Banana were to uh check out early i'd be left with an empty cage and a sack of pellets which is capable of giving someone a concussion if hurled at the head. So cross every appendage of your body and hope this creature sticks around for many years. We're quite the pair and i'd hate to mark all of my photos of Banana with "R.I.P 2008".

This is getting eerie. Anyway, I hope you people have enjoyed your first week of 2009.